My partner hurts me, but is trying to change. What should I do?
Relationship issues often feel shameful and embarrassing. It’s hard to talk to friends and family, especially if you feel like they’ll judge you or just tell you to break up.
Dating can be hard and confusing. It’s hard to find resources that understand the nuances of caring about someone who hurts you.
As a therapist that works with teens and young adults, I talk to a lot of people going through their first relationships. Here are some common questions I see and what I often tell my patients.
The person I’m dating says it’s my fault, and if I were just better then this wouldn’t happen
Then it sounds like they don’t want to date you!
But seriously, if someone gets angry at you for things that you’re doing, they should either break up with you (ex: stealing) or accept that you do those things (ex: wear shoes in the house).
If you did something bad, the appropriate response would be to talk with you about it. Your partner should be able to talk calmly about the issue. If you’re screaming at someone or hitting them, then you must be really upset. Why would you want to date someone who makes you so upset that you can’t talk calmly?
It doesn’t make sense to continue dating someone you dislike.
Something isn’t adding up here. If you’re “bad” enough that they’d insult you, then you should be “bad” enough to break up with.
I find that people who stay with someone they dislike that much - they’re not staying because they actually want you to improve. They’re staying because they like the feeling that putting you down gives them. They feel powerful, they feel superior, and their stress has a target.
If you feel like you might be in this kind of situation, it’s important that you get an outsider’s perspective. When a conflict stays between two people, it’s harder to figure out if you’re being unreasonable. Telling a friend, talking to a therapist, or even calling a warmline can help you piece things together.
The person I’m dating has trauma and lashes out
Trauma does not give you a pass to treat someone like crap.
Let’s say that I experienced a traumatic event. A friend was supposed to meet me for lunch, but didn’t show because they were in a car accident and died. In this situation, it would be understandable if I got anxious any time someone didn’t show.
If I then had a patient who didn’t show up for therapy, I might start getting anxious, or even have a panic attack or a flashback.
Imagine if my response would be to immediately write a nasty email to my patient, calling them all sorts of names? I would be a terrible therapist!
Trauma isn’t an excuse for professionals to lash out and hurt others. People we love should be held to those same standards.
If something were to trigger me, it’s my responsibility to manage my own emotions. The same goes for your friends and loved ones.
If someone is ready to be in a healthy relationship, they won’t ask you to manage their feelings for them. They might ask for help in managing them (ex: “can I vent for a sec?”) but won’t expect that their feelings are your problem.
You can help someone cope with trauma, but it’s not your job to fix their trauma.
This is especially true if your partner deals with their trauma through rage or breaking things. It’s not your job to endure the “splash-zone” that their trauma causes.
The person I’m dating doesn’t know how to handle their emotions
This is a very common situation I see as a therapist! Young people deal with all kinds of pressure and stress, yet they often don’t have strategies to manage it.
If you’re a teen or young adult, you’re likely dealing with some or all of the following:
Pressure to do well in school
Navigating relationships with your parents
Figuring out what to do with your life
Feeling behind or like you’ve already failed
Complicated feelings about your body
Traumatic past experiences
Finding ways to have a stable future in a rapidly deteriorating world
And this list doesn’t even cover things like anxiety or depression! While you’re carrying all these stresses, you’re still expected to fulfill your roles as a good student/friend/employee. (Some older people will tell you “these are the best years of your life.” They are wrong. Often, the most difficult times in people’s lives happen when they’re between 13 and 25 years old.)
Not knowing how to handle your emotions is normal. Taking it out on another person isn’t.
If you don’t know how to handle your feelings, the best thing you can do is learn how! Taking your feelings out on another person doesn’t teach you how to self-regulate or deal with hardships. It just leads to having fewer coping mechanisms for stress.
The first step in learning how to manage your feelings is taking responsibility for them.
Let’s look at two different reactions to stress:
I feel terrible, and it’s my job to figure out how to deal with this.
I feel terrible and it’s my partner’s fault - they’re not doing something to make me feel better!
The first statement is empowering. I can do it. I am in control. The second statement gives that control over to someone else. I can’t do it. I don’t need to learn - that’s someone else’s job. People ready to be in relationships relate more to the first statement than to the second one.
The person I’m dating doesn’t have anyone else
This situation is really hard! We care about our partners and don’t want to see them suffer.
This is another chance to remind ourselves that we can help with the problem, but we don’t own the problem.
We are responsible for our own feelings. This means that it doesn’t matter how many people your partner can turn to. Whether they have 100 friends or just one, they are responsible for their choices and actions.
If I stole a candy bar and got arrested, I shouldn’t call up my best friend and ask “Why didn’t you stop me?” That bad decision was mine and mine alone.
The same goes for other decisions, like dropping out of school or using drugs.
When we take on other people’s issues, we remove their autonomy (the ability to choose for themselves).
Everyone has the right to make bad choices and the right to experience the consequences of their choices.
If someone is going to make a bad choice unless you are there to stop them, then I am going to ask to see a picture. They must be either a puppy or a baby.
If your partner has no other supports, they have the autonomy to deal with this. They can choose to find other people to connect with or to not try at all. Their situation and choices aren’t your responsibility.
The person I’m dating might hurt themselves if I’m not there
This is above your pay grade. You need to call someone.
If your partner might get in trouble with their parents, feel embarrassed, or get mad at you - well, that sucks for them, but it’s not your fault.
You are not a trained and qualified mental health professional.
Someone who might hurt themselves needs trained, qualified, and professional help.
Some people might feel mad or embarrassed if we call 988 or a local mental health crisis team. (You can find mobile crisis teams by searching “crisis team” + your county. If you call 911 and ask for the mental health crisis team, the dispatcher will often be able to help you.)
Even if your partner feels mad, embarrassed, or humiliated, you need to turn self-harm threats over to a professional.
Their suicidal feelings are not a problem you can or should take on. It is not your job to manage suicidal thoughts for someone. We can help with our partner’s issues, but we can’t be the one owning or fixing their issues.
If your partner needs help, you should tell an authority figure (like a school counselor), tell their family, call 911, 988 (suicide crisis line) or your local mobile crisis team.
What If you called and they didn’t actually need the help? Well, telling your partner that you’re going to hurt yourself when you don’t mean it is pretty messed up. Suicide or self-harm isn’t something to joke about. We should always take these statements seriously, and the way to do that is by getting help.
My parents fight and people always say “relationships are hard.” What level of fighting is normal?
People often yell when they feel overwhelmed, hurt, or not listened to. If your parents are yelling, then they probably don’t know how else to communicate. This is unfortunate, but it is not your job to teach your parents communication skills.
When people say “relationships are hard,” the are referring to the fact that you have to grow alongside someone.
You are changing and growing, the other person is changing and growing, and being in a relationship means constantly learning new things about each other.
You have to communicate your changing needs, listen to your partner’s needs, and find ways to work together. Relationships are not “hard” because they are painful.
What if your relationship makes you feel bad about yourself or stressed out? Then that could be concerning. Anxiety and shame are not a normal part of a healthy relationship.
If you feel embarrassed, ashamed, or overwhelmed, this is probably a sign that you should talk to someone outside your relationship and get their perspective.
Isn’t saying “fix things or break up” an ultimatum? Aren’t ultimatums bad?
Ultimatums are threats, like “if you don’t do what I want, I’m going to leave.”
Telling someone that they need to take responsibility for their own feelings is different.
If I tell someone “give me your cat or I won’t be your therapist anymore,” then I’m giving an ultimatum - an unreasonable request.
Saying “stop pooping in my office or I won’t be your therapist anymore” is a reasonable request.
It is reasonable to tell someone “Your action (pooping/not owning your emotions) is hurting me (smelly/makes me feel bad), and I will not tolerate being hurt. I will remove myself from a situation that is causing me harm.” That is very different from getting what you want through threats.
I can’t talk to other people because they wouldn’t understand
This question can also be phrased “This would make my partner sound bad, but it isn’t their fault - it’s mine.”
Not everyone will understand; it’s true. But there are some people who should understand.
I ask my patients to tell me if they feel ashamed in relationships. If there’s something that they feel shame about, it’s my job to help them fix it.
There’s many people who are interested in listening and helping - not just therapists. Warmlines are peer-led groups of people who volunteer to listen. Additionally, there are helplines that are specialized by age, sexual orientation, gender, and situation. Many of these helplines are available not just over the phone, but through text and in-browser chat.
These support hotlines include:
The person I’m dating says I won’t learn how to do things better unless they enforce it through punishment
Yikes.
This is something I’ve actually heard, AND IT SUCKS.
You are a person. People have the right to make bad decisions, and face the natural consequences of their decisions.
If you make bad choices, your partner should either leave or help you make better ones.
Taking over someone’s life because that person isn’t competent? That’s a messed up power dynamic. It’s just gross.
Some examples of “you don’t do this right” include:
You don’t know how to dress
You don’t text enough
You are rude to others and everyone is laughing at you behind your back
You don’t know how to cook or clean properly
You aren’t able to manage your appearance correctly
Even if any of these were true, why would you date someone you think is incompetent?
You wouldn’t. Trying to “fix” someone through yelling, humiliation, or hitting is never okay.
These actions are always more about your partner than you. Putting someone else down can make people feel better about themselves, at your expense.
If any of this is happening, you should absolutely find someone to talk to about it.
My partner won’t let me break up with them
This is also “My partner and I constantly break up and get back together.”
Only one person needs to decide if a relationship ends. If your partner is interested in feeling in control, they may argue if you try to break up with them.
Whenever I see people frequently breaking up and then getting back together, I always wonder if one person is pressuring the other to reunite. Reconciling with an ex isn’t always a bad sign, but it can be.
If you’re having issues with your partner, the best thing to do is get another person’s perspective. You can reach out to some of the helplines above, talk to a therapist, or find a school counselor who can listen.
What even is “abuse?”
“Abuse” is a word that feels underused and overused at the same time.
Abuse can seem like something serious, scary, or foreign - like if it’s “abuse” you have to call the police.
Other people overuse abuse and apply it to anything they don’t like. Someone says something racist and then gets called racist? That’s not abuse. It might be an exaggeration or better phrased as a learning opportunity, but it’s not abusive.
I find that the question “Is this abuse?” is less important than “Am I feeling ashamed?” or “Is this person making me responsible for their feelings?”
